Bedtime

In a dark room I stare at a blank screen

Thinking of all the times I messed up, all the words I said wrong

Is this it?

Is this all I'll ever be?

A pile of regrets compounded into anxieties.

Anxieties that chew on my mind in the dark.

 

Maybe this is loneliness

No one to message

              No one to talk to

No one to distract me from the list of faults being read as a lullaby.

 

Sometimes I imagine a knife cutting through skin, just so I can feel something.

 

But I don't want to feel anything.

 

I want to sink into the depths of dreams and never come up for air

 

They call this a downward spiral, like it's a slide I can stop myself on.

To me this is a swamp

A thing to struggle through and pray to reach dry ground soon

And sometimes when you think the ground is dry,

your feet will start to sink into the mud.

 

I hate this and wish my mind wasn't like this

But it is

 

And I get to go through life with emotional wounds being ripped open

when I think they've healed.

The world expects me to be better,

To do better

And those expectations act like weights in this swamp.

Maybe one day I can drop them and it will be easier to traverse life

 

But my head will still sing me to sleep with the reminder of my own mistakes...

Smoke in the Air 12

Next month I will be uploading a short piece as I haven't decided (or prepped) the next longer piece.

        -Rose B.

Smoke in the Air

12

    Her fan snaps shut, "Very good. If you had gone charging off, you would have made a similar mistake as before." That calms my excitement. She waits for me to sit down before speaking, "I told you before that all mortals come to me. That never changes even with unnatural deaths. In the case of murders, you can think of it as one mortal delivering another to me."

    "Are you telling me that all of them tried to kill her?"

    Her smile seems to curl at the edges, "Precisely. When mortals toss each other to me, they have to get closer to me than those who are in the same area."

    "But none of them succeeded?"

    "Yes."

    "Then who killed her?"

    She chuckles, and I resist the urge to shudder, "You forgot one other person in the room." She looks at the door, "Ah, looks like the police have arrived. Will you reveal the truth, or will you allow Madam Losster's revenge to play out?"

    I see a shadow through the glass.

    "I can't wait," Her voice breathes in my ear. I spin around, but her seat is empty. The four in the back are talking amongst each other and the two employees at the bar are cleaning up. None of them are looking this way. I smell the scent of her smoke, and I wonder if I am in over my head. 

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Smoke in the Air 11

 Smoke in the Air

11

    I sigh, "That narrows it down to four. no one saw anything in the dark, but they were close enough to each other that the others would have noticed if one of them wasn't where they ought to be." Did the murder happen in the tunnel? I look at the cloth covered body. There was no blood. The blue lips, the unnatural pallor of her skin, all pointed toward poisoning. "Poisoning doesn't require any of them to have left their seats. If the poison was slow, she could have ingested it long before the tunnel or the poison was prepared before the tunnel, and she consumed it in the dark."

    She taps her hands together in a silent clap, "Bravo, the poison was in her glass, and it killed her when she drank it while in the tunnel."

    I begin to move towards the car door, to find the conductor. All I need to figure out is who among the four put the poison in the glass. But...

    I look at the woman and see she is hiding her mouth with her fan again. She looks like a girl, laughing at the suitors trying to approach her. This is all a game to her, why would she give up the damning evidence so freely. "What are you not telling me?"

    She doesn't speak, but her eyes crinkle, and I know she is smiling in the bone-chilling way behind the fan. I think about all the statements she made. Was there something I missed? If the poison wasn't important, then what was? Her voice floats from my memory.

    let me give you a hint...

    "What did you mean by 'sought you out'?"

 

 

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Working On Things

 Hello,

    I'm working on altering the format of this blog, I've actually been thinking about doing this for a while but it's...a big process. It's going to take me a couple days at least, mostly because there are so many things to change and I have to work. So things may be shuffling around a bit until I figure out things should look and work.

In case any of you are curious my list thoughts

• Better navigating tabs
  
• Table of Contents for Purple Moon and Calypso's Rage
• Single Post writings
• longer writing pieces wasn't made for this blog
•  Post/page navigators for longer pieces

    I'm going to start with the oldest posts then work forward. If any of you notice I've missed anything or think of something I should add to the Sub header feel free to leave a comment here. And I'll edit this post with my progress because I strangely want to give myself more work.

• Finished Purple Moon
• Finished compiling the single posts
• Finished Calypso's Rage
• Started the page for the writing not made for this blog
• Finished Our Condolences
• Finished Two for the Show
• Finished Red Roses
• Updated Smoke in the Air

    Finished! Everything is finally updated. Now I just need to maintain things...

Smoke in the Air 10

 Smoke in the Air

10

    "Then what do you want?"

    She put the fan to her face again, "It's simple, allow me to remain at your side and watch you work from up close."

    "Can't you do that anyway?"

    She chuckles, "No, I have no dominion over mortals until they die." She pauses, and the temperature drops, "I could get permission from Vida, but I refuse to interact with her more than necessary."

    I clear my throat, "What would I get in return?"

    The air warms again, and she drops the fan revealing a sickly sweet smile, "A lot but to get to main points. I can tell you everything there is to know about a mortal's death, even the details humans won't be able to figure out for centuries yet. And who among the living has been in contact with me recently."

    She doesn't seem to be lying, but I also can't tell if she's hiding something, "Why would you help me?"

    "I already told you, you interest me. It's a good trade for me if all I have to give you is knowledge in order to watch you from the best seat in the house,"

    I couldn't see any downside, and, despite my gut telling me not to, I say, "Very well, you have my permission."

    She grins, "Lovely, then let me give you a hint. All of her companions have sought me out within the last month. The staff members have nothing to do with this death." 

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Smoke in the Air 9

 Smoke in the Air

9

    He sighs, "Of course, I'll never understand the need to protect reputation. I can at least keep them here with people to watch over them."

    "That will have to do until the Cheston police arrive, then they can decide how to handle them."

    The conductor nods and leaves while I move back to the table where Madam Losster lay. She sits down in the seat for the dealer. Her eyes glitter and she smiles at me, "So what do you think?"

    "Don't you already know?"

    She shakes her head, "I can't see into your thoughts."

    I rub my face, "Fine, all of the suspects are suspicious, and they all have a reason to kill her. They're too calm when I walked in but were nervous when I asked questions. They act like they are telling me everything, but I don't think they are. At the moment, I can only clear the staff member that was at the bar."

    She smiles and hides it with a lace fan that seems to have replaced the notebook, "Are you willing to make a deal with me?"

    I look at her warily, "Are you going to ask for my soul in return?"

    She snaps the fan shut, "What need would I have for your soul?"

    "Aren't you Death?"

    She rolls her eyes, "The living come to me, not the other way around. And if I killed you, how could you entertain me?" 

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Smoke in the Air 8

 Smoke in the Air

8

    "It wasn't so bad before her son died," Ms. Grace adds, "And while her temperament because worse after that, it was only when her health started to decline that she would snap at the smallest thing."

    Lord Hurston nods, "I was going to persuade the Madam to retire on this trip, we're in a delicate time and if our company's reputation takes a hit it could ruin everything."

    "Did she know you were going to do this?" I ask.

    Lord Hurston looks at Mr. Ethan before sighing, "She may have had a hunch but I don't think she knew exactly what I wanted to discuss. I was hoping I could calm down her temper while we were on the train so she didn't make a scene in public."

    Mr Ethan's knuckles were white from how hard he was clenching his fists, "Lord Hurston is trying to be polite but when the madam didn't get her way she could be very petty and vengeful."

    Ms. Grace gasped, "Mr. Ethan?!"

    He glared a her, "I'm only speaking the truth. Don't pretend it didn't happen to you, how many times did she withhold your money because of some small change you made in the household."

    Ms. Grace looks at the floor but her face is red. The others look just as emotionally disturbed but it feels shallow. Although that's nothing new for those in high society, but still it nags at me.

    "Thank you. You've been most helpful, and I promise, neither of us are likely to talk to the papers."

    They relax a little at my words and I move back to the conductor near the door of the car and say, "I would suggest confining them to their cabins but I doubt they would want to be escorted in front of the other passengers."

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